zidianing | inbox: noctium

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From:

equivocations

They both know what Lan Xichen is saying, but he doesn't mind saying it again. More than that - he's delighted to say it again, and again, as many times as Wanyin needs to hear it, and even more than that.

"You are my soulmate."

It's strange, how steady he feels right now. Wanyin stares at him, eyes wide and wondering, and part of him thinks that perhaps he should have done this sooner. But at the same time, it feels like everything they have gone through together, every moment of vulnerability, every night of passion, every morning waking up together, they've all led to this.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

But no, he needs to be even more explicit than that - he does not want Wanyin to have any uncertainty about what he means when he says that, or about exactly how he wants them to spend their lives together.

"I want to marry you."

From:

zidianing

He surges forth and kisses him, holding them so tightly together that he could feel Lan Xichen's heartbeat right up against his own. Soulmate. Fated person. The thought of marriage should terrify him: had he not said so many times that it was too quarrelsome? And yet he knows that Lan Xichen wouldn't quarrel with him. He would be gentle and they would talk about it as they had talked about other goings on in the city late in the evenings when they're wrapped up in each other. They fit so well and in so many ways. They'd survived so much together.

"Idiot," he says fondly after they part.

He touches foreheads with Lan Xichen, strange now, since the ribbon is held so tightly in his own hand.

"I told Lan Wangji I'd ask you."

From:

equivocations

Lan Xichen kisses him back just as fiercely, sliding the hand on his cheek up into his hair so he can tangle his fingers in it. Wanyin's heart beat seems to call to his own, as though his is simply an echo of the one he loves, and he hums softly into the kiss.

Despite that neither of them have a good example of marriage to call on, despite the complications that a union of two sect leaders will cause when they return home, despite any number of things - Lan Xichen has faith in them. They've already weathered so much together, already begun to entwine their lives together, and he has little doubt they can continue to do so.

He laughs softly when Wanyin calls him an idiot, kissing him again before their foreheads press together.

"I asked to court you first too, did I not?" he teases softly. "I would apologize, but I'm not sorry. You deserve to be asked, to have someone who chooses you first."

From:

zidianing

Like that, he so easily cuts to the heart of things and Jiang Cheng sucks in a breath.

"Well," he chokes out, "Lan Wangji came to the archery booth. And asked in so many words when we were going to wed. That I should ask him since your shufu isn't here."

They're sect leaders. It'll be complicated, leading sects from different locations. But he's willing to. Especially if they return home with all of these memories intact. They know all the things not to do in a marriage.

"I should talk to him."

Anything to take the focus off of himself and off of being so raw of being chosen first.

From:

equivocations

All of what Wanyin says is, technically, true. It has taken him rather longer than it should have to ask - or, more accurately, for it to occur to him that he should explicitly ask. Wangji could stand in for their shufu, and Wanyin should speak to him, just as Lan Xichen should speak with Wuxian and Yanli.

But when Lan Xichen said they needed to talk about their shadow selves, he did not intend to stop at just his own. And he knows Wanyin well enough now to know that he is attempting to deflect.

Lan Xichen kisses him again, keeping it soft and brief this time.

"I want you," he says quietly. "I've chosen you above all others, and when we are married, I will not stop. I will choose you every moment, choose to stay always with you."

From:

zidianing

He kisses him back, melting in his embrace. Hopefully, that would be the end of that. But no. Lan Xichen just has to say those things. His hand clenches around the ribbon.

"...Huan-ge, you--"

He shouldn't make promises that he couldn't fulfill. He shouldn't say things that he may not mean later. THough they had defeated the shadow together, it still is present in his own heart.

From:

equivocations

He covers Wanyin's hand with his own, curling his fingers around his beloved's clenched fist.

"I know."

Admittedly, he cannot be certain what Wanyin's protest is, but - they were speaking of their shadow creatures, and he knows that even though Wanyin had more than demonstrated that he loves all of him, even though Lan Xichen had accepted some parts of him, there are still others he struggles with.

He does not expect that just because they banished Wanyin's own shadow from its semi-corporeal form that it will not continue to whisper inside him.

"I am not afraid, A-Cheng. I will keep telling you, and keep choosing you, over and over again. I won't ever get tired of repeating it."

From:

zidianing

Jiang Cheng couldn't hold back the sharp laugh.

"...you may need to repeat it every day. Are you sure you want that?"

Is he sure he wants Jiang Cheng even at his worst and snappish? Even with his foul temper?

"Are you truly sure I"m the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? And whatever lives we have afterward?"

Memories of watching his mother and father surface and Jiang Cheng kisses him again because he doesn't want to know Lan Xichen's answers to those questions. He simply wants to bask in this moment with him.

From:

equivocations

His heart aches at that sharp laughter. The world may think what it wants of Wanyin's temper - and not without reason, Lan Xichen is not so blind to pretend that isn't true - but he has still seen Wanyin turn his disdain onto himself more than he has anyone else.

And he is most certainly not going to let this drop, though he doesn't stop Wanyin from kissing him.

"Yes," he whispers against Wanyin's lips, without quite breaking this kiss, though he pulls back after another few moments.

"A-Cheng, you know how worried I have been that I will be too much for you, that my devotion will overwhelm you. Do you truly think I would have any difficulty repeating it every day?" He cups Wanyin's face again, thumb stroking along his cheekbone. "That I would not cherish the opportunity to repeat it multiple times a day, even if you didn't need it? We are a match, my heart. No matter how much you think you may need of me, I want it. I want you to need me, the way I need you."

It's a quiet admission, said only because he doesn't want Wanyin to doubt himself - and because his own shadow self has already said as much already.

From:

zidianing

The yes sends a small shiver down his spine. Jiang Cheng chases after his lips until Lan Xichen starts speaking again. About how he'd been worried that his devotion would overwhelm him. He looks into his eyes and leans into the soft touch. His mouth gapes and he opens and closes it. No protest he could come up with would be good enough to challenge what he says.

He swallows thickly.

"I...need you, Huan-ge."

He doesn't want to say he needs that devotion. He needs to feel like someone in the world chose him first. He needs that approval that Lan Xichen gives so freely and openly.

From:

equivocations

His beloved is all but speechless, it seems - but for once, Lan Xichen isn't afraid that it is a bad sign, that what he says had been too much for Wanyin.

Perhaps that is something from his shadow self that he has truly conquered. Or no, not conquered - only developed an understanding that with Wanyin, he does not have to worry as much.

His own swallow is just as thick, heavy with emotion.

"And I need you," he says, very quietly. "I have spent so long being afraid of giving all of myself to someone, worrying that I would end up like my father. With you, I have come to realize that what we saw as problems - wanting too much, being too devoted - to the right person, they are to be treasured."

From:

zidianing

He'd been afraid that he'd become either of his parents: constantly quarrelling with their spouse, not even wishing to be in the same room with them if possible. But the man before him needs him just as much as Jiang Cheng needs him. That dark part of him lies easily with Lan Xichen soothing him, accepting him, wanting to be there for him. Speaking for him when he struggles so much to put his emotions into spoken words.

The love that wells up in his heart at his words and promises make his eyes suspiciously hot and wet.

"You'll need to speak with jie since she is the oldest of us here," he says quietly, thickly. "But the Yunmeng Jiang accepts your proposal."

From:

equivocations

Despite everything, despite that they have both confessed their love, that they have been intimate together in so many ways, that they have been living together as a unit for months now, despite that Lan Xichen had been sure they were both on the same page about moving towards marriage, despite that he'd been calm and confident as he spoke about his devotion -

His heart still beats faster when Wanyin looks at him with tears in his eyes, his breath still catches when he says he accepts, and he still feels like he cannot quite believe what he heard.

"You accept?" he asks, giving a soft, breathless laugh before he kisses him.

He cups Wanyin's face in his hands, pressing heated kisses to his cheeks, his nose, over his eyes. Then he pushes his hands back into his hair, tangling his fingers in the strands as he cups the back of his head.

"I will speak with her," he promises. "And Wangji, and Wuxian. Wanyin, I -" he pauses for a moment, considering his words, then says quietly, "It may mean having more than one ceremony, but I would like to get married here."

From:

zidianing

He kisses him back easily and lets a few tears spill before also laughing breathlessly.

"Yes. Yes. Y--"

His heart thuds in his chest again when he hears--does he hear correctly? More than one ceremony. Meaning he...he really wants--Jiang Cheng kisses him again. He truly wants for them to marry here and whenever they return home. His arms are around Lan Xichen's shoulders and holds him close again.

"Yes. I want to have the ceremony here too. Our families are already here."

All of them.

From:

equivocations

"Yes," he echoes with more breathless laughter, smiling even when Wanyin kisses him again. He is vaguely aware of the fact that he is beaming, despite the unshed tears in his eyes, but he doesn't care. "Our families are here to celebrate with us."

Which is, admittedly, the most important reason that he wants to have a ceremony here. But there is another, and he tips his head down to rest his forehead against Wanyin's.

"I want you." His fingers run through Wanyin's hair a few times before his hands return to cupping the back of his head. "I want you here, where living together is easy, where we can legally marry without a single tongue wagging and I can call you husband as often as I want. And I want you when we are back home, where the union of two Sect Leaders will undoubtedly cause complicated negotiations, where we will have to come up with a plan to keep our lives as entwined as they are now, where I do not care what tongues might wag and I will still call you husband as often as I want."

From:

zidianing

Here where life is different; where expectations do not look over their heads. But to want him when they were back home…when other sect leaders, let alone their entire world would be gobsmacked at their union.

To see Lan Xichen among the lotuses during the summertime, in the boats with disciples. Learning how to pick pods; to be in Gusu and the Cloud Recesses, having tea with Lan Qiren as his elder and for Lan Xichen to call him husband and warm him in their bed during the cold nights…

“Huan-ge…”

It’s a choked sound, thick with emotion.

From:

equivocations

"Yes," he says again, much quieter and more solemn. Yes to committing themselves to each other here rather than continue to take advantage of the different customs of this place, yes to marrying back home no matter the difficulties, yes to whatever Wanyin is imagining about what their lives might be like that makes him say his name like that, with such emotion in his voice.

"I choose you." He presses a kiss to his forehead. "I will choose you when we have our ceremony here." Another kiss over each eye. "I will choose you again when we return home." One more kiss to his nose. "I will choose you when we are married there, in front of the whole cultivation world." A kiss to each of his cheeks.

"I will always choose you."

Finally, he kisses his lips again, long and lingering - he doesn't care if he has to repeat that every day, if it becomes as often said as I love you, he will make sure that Wanyin knows that he has chosen him.

From:

zidianing

More tears escape at the kiss to his forehead, to his eyes, to his nose, his cheeks, each with Lan Xichen choosing him. When he finally kisses him, Jiang Cheng kisses him back, holding him close.

"I love you," he says against his lips, broken, raw. There's a part of him, that shadow part, that still doesn't believe, that thinks that Lan Xichen will wake up some day and change his mind. But to hear that affirmed, to hear him say such sweet things, to hear him choose him again and again, it cuts down to his very core.

From:

equivocations

"I love you," he replies, feeling the multi-faceted ache in his heart that he's started to recognize he gets when Wanyin lets him have him like this - a quiet pain at the broken quality in his voice and the deep hurts it speaks to, and a devastatingly fierce gratitude that he gets to have Wanyin at his most raw.

Though he has appreciated every single time that Wanyin has allowed himself to be vulnerable with him, he has never really drawn much attention to his tears - too afraid that doing so would make him stop, at first, and because he did not want Wanyin to feel embarrassed.

But now he lets his hands slide down to cup either side of Wanyin's neck instead of the back of his head, the pads of his thumbs resting gently on tear-streaked cheeks without trying to wipe them away.

"I love you like this. I love that you let me see you cry."

From:

zidianing

He gasps. Jiang Cheng shakes a little as he lets the walls down and lets Lan Xichen to see him like this. He moves forward to capture his lips and kiss him again. He's so raw, so uncomfortable in this but he saw how Lan Xichen stood up against his own shadow, ready to choose him, to defend him.

"How embarrassing," he manages to gasp out.

From:

equivocations

Lan Xichen kisses him back as he feels Wanyin start to tremble under his touch, struck once again by how remarkable his betrothed is, by how much he loves him.

"How brave." He kisses him again, just barely brushing their lips together as he murmurs against them. "You have been so brave, my heart."

His long fingers lace together behind Wanyin's neck, palms still cupping each side as he pulls back a little, just enough that he can look at him with open admiration.

"My Wanyin, how strong you are for me."

From:

zidianing

The raw and focused love he could see in Lan Xichen is more than enough to make anyone tremble. But for Jiang Cheng, it's affirming, it's dangerously addicting to be seen so plainly like this, to be loved so wholly like this. He fits his hands on Lan Xichen's waist and pulls him impossibly closer, wanting to touch him more, kiss him more. He could argue that he doesn't need any sympathy from Lan Xichen; he doesn't need platitudes. But he does. He craves it so much.

"We'll find a way," he whispers. "When we return home, we'll find a way for that. For us."

From:

equivocations

He goes easily where Wanyin directs him, until they're pressed so close together that there isn't a gap between them. The rest of the world might as well not exist when they're like this, as though they are the only two in all of it.

"We will find a way," he agrees. "You have made me believe in achieving the impossible."

There's a soft smile as he kisses him again, and he brushes their noses together. "You have already achieved it, after all. I thought it impossible that I could ever have something like this, someone like you, and here you are in my arms."

From:

zidianing

Jiang Cheng gives a watery laugh.

"I never thought it would be possible for me to have someone like you. For me to have something like this," he says softly.

This gentleness, this love. For someone to want him like this, want him so much, to love him. All of those failed matchmaking dates hadn't done well for his ego. But this strange place allowed for him to share something like this with Lan Xichen. Something so beautiful.

He kisses him and tucks himself against him, sighing happily.

From:

equivocations

"Here I am," he responds softly. "Entirely yours."

There's an echo of that contented sigh, and Lan Xichen leaves one hand curled around Wanyin's neck. With the other, he encourages him to tuck his face into his neck as he tucks himself against him. He never feels so complete as he does when Wanyin is pressed up close to him, whether it's rough and passionate or a softer intimacy.

"I love you like this," he whispers into Wanyin's hair, nuzzling into it. "Will you come to bed with me, my heart, and allow me to just hold you?"