zidianing | inbox: noctium

He thinks back to what Lan Wangji had said to him during the festival. To ask permission from. His intentions. Jiang Cheng holds onto the arms around his waist and melts into him. He’s given over so much of himself to Lan Xichen.

He’s courting him. They’re courting each other.

They’ve faced the worst version of themselves. Between Lan Xichen’s promise and what the man had said to his shadow, Jiang Cheng wonders how much of it was true…and what capacity did Lan Xichen have in mind to always be there.

He can’t bring himself to ask it. The fear that lingers in his heart stops him: what if he’s wrong? Had he trapped Lan Xichen to such a fate?

Marriage is nothing but quarreling with someone, he had said in his youth, I don’t need such a ridiculous thing.

He's quiet for a long few moments, just enjoying the feel of Wanyin relaxing into his arms and the soft hum of synchrony between them.

But he knows Wanyin, and though he doesn't know exactly what he's thinking, he knows there is something on his mind. They have shared many silences together, by now, enough for Lan Xichen to be able to tell that although this one is far from tense, Wanyin is still using it to mull something over.

It could be anything, of course, but Lan Xichen can't help but think of what has been on his mind, what he has somewhat guiltily been putting off until after the festival was over.

"We should talk about what was brought up by our shadow selves," he says finally.

He swallows. Of course he'd want to talk about all of that.

"Yes, we should," he agrees.

He turns in his arms and plays with a lock of his hair.

"...I meant what I said."

Lan Xichen presses a kiss to Wanyin's forehead when he turns around, humming when he plays with his hair - a soft, absent sound he's come to make when he enjoys something.

He hadn't ever really doubted that Wanyin meant what he said, even with the sheer multitude of his own issues that his shadow self dropped on him, but it still soothes something in him to hear it confirmed.

"As did I."

He strokes a hand up Wanyin's back, considering. There are a number of things that he wants to ask Wanyin, after the things his shadow said, but he knows there are a number of things he needs to address himself as well. If he is going to ask Wanyin to be vulnerable for him yet again, then he can be vulnerable himself first.

"It isn't that I ever wanted to die." His voice is very quiet, as he gets out what he thinks might be the worst of it. "Or even that I thought the world would be better off without me in it. It is that I didn't particularly think it was better off with me in it, so I didn't believe it mattered whether I lived or died."

Something unwinds itself around his heart when he affirms that Lan Xichen means what he said before as well. He buries his face in his neck and breathes him in, relaxing with the hand along his back. When he says he never wanted to die, Jiang Cheng tenses in his arms again. He pulls back and looks at him, searching his face before pressing his lips together, nodding, letting Lan Xichen speak.

That night. He remembers that Lan Wangji had pulled his brother out of his stupor. He had wanted to make sure that a-Ling was safe before going back in to get anyone else out.

There's a twinge of regret when what Lan Xichen says makes Wanyin lift his head from his neck. But he reminds himself that this is far more important, and it isn't as though he does not often get Wanyin to bury his face against him like that.

Despite the subject matter, there is very little fear in him as he speaks, and he's able to hold Wanyin's gaze.

He lets himself remember flashes of that night, the quiet acceptance he'd felt when he'd agreed to stay and die with Guangyao, the startled confliction when he'd been pushed out of the temple and into Wangji's arm, the emptiness as he'd sat on the stairs and asked Huaisang if he, too, had manipulated him into killing a sworn brother.

And he remembers that night at the hotel, almost a year ago now, Wangji's broken body and Wuxian's furious desperation, how Lan Xichen's own desperation had taken a quieter, less outwardly destructive path.

"If it meant my sworn brothers did not have to be alone, if it meant that Wangji could live... I admit that I found it easier to think that my death might bring some good than my life."

He tightens his hold on Lan Xichen.

"I wouldn't have let you," he swears quietly. He reaches up and caresses his cheek. He's selfish, wishing for Lan Xichen to stay with him to have him be enough of a reason to live. "I wouldn't have. None of us would have let you die that night."

And truly, none of them did. Lan Wangji pulled his brother out of the crumbling temple.

He's quiet for a long moment, letting himself tilt his head into the touch on his cheek.

In all of the times he'd reimagined what had happened that night - he'd never really thought about what might have happened if Guangyao had not pushed him out, if Lan Xichen had stayed, and others had tried to pull him out anyway. It all happened so quickly, would they have even had time to?

It doesn't matter, he supposes, no more than anything else that he's thought over, wondering how things could have been different.

"While I was at the hotel in Wonderland," he says, aware that it sounds like something of a subject change, but hoping that Wanyin will trust him for the moment. "I decided I would no longer look to the past, and that I had to move forward. Meng Yao was there, exactly as he was before he infiltrated the Wen, and so was a version of Nie Mingjue, from the same world as the other Wuxian. I resolved that I could work to change their fates in their worlds, even if I could not change them in mine."

He doesn't think he has to say how very much that had not, actually, been focusing on moving forward.

"They disappeared from the hotel before I came here, and I was left wondering if anything I had said or done had mattered." There's a hollow edge of grief - he had lost them again, and it had not hurt any less the second time - but it's faint, and it doesn't stop him. "I accepted that I had still been looking at the past, and that I must truly look to the future if I had any hope of moving forward, but I had not the faintest idea how I was supposed to do that."

Lan Xichen reaches up to cup Wanyin's cheek with his own hand. "Until you."

He stays silent as he speaks about his time in Wonderland, this strange place that he and the others had come from. Much like here, it seemed as if people from different time periods appeared. It certainly didn't sound like Lan Xichen was trying to move forward but he keeps quiet to hear the entire story, letting his fingers play with the lock of hair then caress at the back of his neck. At least Lan Xichen realized that he had been still living in the past with the loss of the others once again.

He gives a scoff.

"Me."

"You," he confirms. His voice is confident and sure, now, there's no trace of hesitancy in him as he meets Wanyin's eyes.

"You reminded me of what it means to be a part of this world. You have made me remember what it is to feel hope again, how to appreciate what I have here and to once again live in the present moment."

It isn't only Wanyin - there is no discounting how working with Yanli and Guangyao on this nonprofit have given him a new motivation, or how getting to be a part of Wangji and Wuxian's happiness has been a balm to his soul, or seeing his nephew fall in love, or how he has treasured meeting the people he has here - but if he is honest, none of that would be the same without Wanyin.

"You are my future. You are the love of my life, and I not only want to spend every moment I have with you - I am greedy for more, just so I can have more time with you. You are my reason to live, you are my everything."

He swallows, heart beating louder and louder with each sentiment that passes Lan Xichen's lips. His breath catches in his chest when he says it aloud: the love of my life.

"Huan-ge," he breathes.

The talk with Wei Wuxian over stupid plant babies, the insistence of Lan Wangji - it's made him think more on his future and what it meant to them. He'd asked Lan Wangji for permission to court Lan Xichen, of course. And he'd said that if they had agreed that there would be a proposal, then he would ask Lan Wangji again. Not without discussing it with Lan Xichen, he'd said. Not yet.

He knows by the way Wanyin looks at him when his breath catches, that he needed to say this as explicitly as possible - and not while they are in the middle of intimacy, as he has before. That these are words he needs to say when there is nothing else to them - no monster transformation, no strange flowers, no shadow selves, no being swept away by passion.

Only this. Only the two of them, having just finished cleaning up from dinner, in the middle of the stark reality of their daily lives.

"I will never, ever leave you. I don't care if that means I must cultivate to immortality to remain by your side, or if I must seek you out again in every reincarnation, I will."

A small smile tugs at his lips as he allows himself, for just a moment, to be a little ridiculous. "Perhaps I have already made this promise in a past life. Perhaps I have already said, 'in every life, I will find you, and I will love you more than anything,' and now I am both fulfilling it and making it anew." He leans in to kiss him softly, just the barest brush of their lips together.

"Wanyin, you are my soulmate, my fated one." He reaches up, pulling his forehead ribbon off so he can wrap it around Wanyin's wrist. "And this belongs to you."

His eyes widen and he almost doesn't kiss him back at the soft brush. How romantic of Lan Xichen to think they may have made this promise in some other, previous life; that it would be a promise to be fulfilled in eternity if that was cultivated or in all of their lives afterward. He swallows, heart clenching at how loving the words are, how he knows that Lan Xichen means it.

And the world seems to move slowly as he watches Lan Xichen reach up and tug at the silk. Then as he folds the silk in Jiang Cheng's hand.

It's different this time. Different than when he reached up and snatched it off of Lan Xichen in their monster forms. It's being given to him. Lan Xichen is giving him his restraint.

"Huan-ge, what--what--" He knows what he's saying. He knows. But he wants to hear it again. "What are you saying?"

"Huan-ge--"

But the forehead ribbon is already loosened

They both know what Lan Xichen is saying, but he doesn't mind saying it again. More than that - he's delighted to say it again, and again, as many times as Wanyin needs to hear it, and even more than that.

"You are my soulmate."

It's strange, how steady he feels right now. Wanyin stares at him, eyes wide and wondering, and part of him thinks that perhaps he should have done this sooner. But at the same time, it feels like everything they have gone through together, every moment of vulnerability, every night of passion, every morning waking up together, they've all led to this.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

But no, he needs to be even more explicit than that - he does not want Wanyin to have any uncertainty about what he means when he says that, or about exactly how he wants them to spend their lives together.

"I want to marry you."

He surges forth and kisses him, holding them so tightly together that he could feel Lan Xichen's heartbeat right up against his own. Soulmate. Fated person. The thought of marriage should terrify him: had he not said so many times that it was too quarrelsome? And yet he knows that Lan Xichen wouldn't quarrel with him. He would be gentle and they would talk about it as they had talked about other goings on in the city late in the evenings when they're wrapped up in each other. They fit so well and in so many ways. They'd survived so much together.

"Idiot," he says fondly after they part.

He touches foreheads with Lan Xichen, strange now, since the ribbon is held so tightly in his own hand.

"I told Lan Wangji I'd ask you."

Lan Xichen kisses him back just as fiercely, sliding the hand on his cheek up into his hair so he can tangle his fingers in it. Wanyin's heart beat seems to call to his own, as though his is simply an echo of the one he loves, and he hums softly into the kiss.

Despite that neither of them have a good example of marriage to call on, despite the complications that a union of two sect leaders will cause when they return home, despite any number of things - Lan Xichen has faith in them. They've already weathered so much together, already begun to entwine their lives together, and he has little doubt they can continue to do so.

He laughs softly when Wanyin calls him an idiot, kissing him again before their foreheads press together.

"I asked to court you first too, did I not?" he teases softly. "I would apologize, but I'm not sorry. You deserve to be asked, to have someone who chooses you first."

Like that, he so easily cuts to the heart of things and Jiang Cheng sucks in a breath.

"Well," he chokes out, "Lan Wangji came to the archery booth. And asked in so many words when we were going to wed. That I should ask him since your shufu isn't here."

They're sect leaders. It'll be complicated, leading sects from different locations. But he's willing to. Especially if they return home with all of these memories intact. They know all the things not to do in a marriage.

"I should talk to him."

Anything to take the focus off of himself and off of being so raw of being chosen first.

All of what Wanyin says is, technically, true. It has taken him rather longer than it should have to ask - or, more accurately, for it to occur to him that he should explicitly ask. Wangji could stand in for their shufu, and Wanyin should speak to him, just as Lan Xichen should speak with Wuxian and Yanli.

But when Lan Xichen said they needed to talk about their shadow selves, he did not intend to stop at just his own. And he knows Wanyin well enough now to know that he is attempting to deflect.

Lan Xichen kisses him again, keeping it soft and brief this time.

"I want you," he says quietly. "I've chosen you above all others, and when we are married, I will not stop. I will choose you every moment, choose to stay always with you."

He kisses him back, melting in his embrace. Hopefully, that would be the end of that. But no. Lan Xichen just has to say those things. His hand clenches around the ribbon.

"...Huan-ge, you--"

He shouldn't make promises that he couldn't fulfill. He shouldn't say things that he may not mean later. THough they had defeated the shadow together, it still is present in his own heart.

He covers Wanyin's hand with his own, curling his fingers around his beloved's clenched fist.

"I know."

Admittedly, he cannot be certain what Wanyin's protest is, but - they were speaking of their shadow creatures, and he knows that even though Wanyin had more than demonstrated that he loves all of him, even though Lan Xichen had accepted some parts of him, there are still others he struggles with.

He does not expect that just because they banished Wanyin's own shadow from its semi-corporeal form that it will not continue to whisper inside him.

"I am not afraid, A-Cheng. I will keep telling you, and keep choosing you, over and over again. I won't ever get tired of repeating it."

Jiang Cheng couldn't hold back the sharp laugh.

"...you may need to repeat it every day. Are you sure you want that?"

Is he sure he wants Jiang Cheng even at his worst and snappish? Even with his foul temper?

"Are you truly sure I"m the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? And whatever lives we have afterward?"

Memories of watching his mother and father surface and Jiang Cheng kisses him again because he doesn't want to know Lan Xichen's answers to those questions. He simply wants to bask in this moment with him.

His heart aches at that sharp laughter. The world may think what it wants of Wanyin's temper - and not without reason, Lan Xichen is not so blind to pretend that isn't true - but he has still seen Wanyin turn his disdain onto himself more than he has anyone else.

And he is most certainly not going to let this drop, though he doesn't stop Wanyin from kissing him.

"Yes," he whispers against Wanyin's lips, without quite breaking this kiss, though he pulls back after another few moments.

"A-Cheng, you know how worried I have been that I will be too much for you, that my devotion will overwhelm you. Do you truly think I would have any difficulty repeating it every day?" He cups Wanyin's face again, thumb stroking along his cheekbone. "That I would not cherish the opportunity to repeat it multiple times a day, even if you didn't need it? We are a match, my heart. No matter how much you think you may need of me, I want it. I want you to need me, the way I need you."

It's a quiet admission, said only because he doesn't want Wanyin to doubt himself - and because his own shadow self has already said as much already.

The yes sends a small shiver down his spine. Jiang Cheng chases after his lips until Lan Xichen starts speaking again. About how he'd been worried that his devotion would overwhelm him. He looks into his eyes and leans into the soft touch. His mouth gapes and he opens and closes it. No protest he could come up with would be good enough to challenge what he says.

He swallows thickly.

"I...need you, Huan-ge."

He doesn't want to say he needs that devotion. He needs to feel like someone in the world chose him first. He needs that approval that Lan Xichen gives so freely and openly.

His beloved is all but speechless, it seems - but for once, Lan Xichen isn't afraid that it is a bad sign, that what he says had been too much for Wanyin.

Perhaps that is something from his shadow self that he has truly conquered. Or no, not conquered - only developed an understanding that with Wanyin, he does not have to worry as much.

His own swallow is just as thick, heavy with emotion.

"And I need you," he says, very quietly. "I have spent so long being afraid of giving all of myself to someone, worrying that I would end up like my father. With you, I have come to realize that what we saw as problems - wanting too much, being too devoted - to the right person, they are to be treasured."

He'd been afraid that he'd become either of his parents: constantly quarrelling with their spouse, not even wishing to be in the same room with them if possible. But the man before him needs him just as much as Jiang Cheng needs him. That dark part of him lies easily with Lan Xichen soothing him, accepting him, wanting to be there for him. Speaking for him when he struggles so much to put his emotions into spoken words.

The love that wells up in his heart at his words and promises make his eyes suspiciously hot and wet.

"You'll need to speak with jie since she is the oldest of us here," he says quietly, thickly. "But the Yunmeng Jiang accepts your proposal."

inbox: noctium

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