inbox: noctium
Feb. 5th, 2021 07:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zidianing
sandushengshou | jiang cheng | gembond: sapphire
You have reached the Sect Leader of the Yunmeng Jiang--what? I'll set my message how I want to set it! I don't need to state my name! ... Jiang Wanyin. Leave a message.
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Date: 2021-03-13 05:02 am (UTC)[ His voice cracks in the middle of that, and he hates it. He hates that he will never be able to ensure the happiness of everyone that he loves, when those that he loves will always be at odds.
He hates that it is because he so badly failed his own sworn brothers that all of them are in this situation at all. ]
I cannot tell you what I do not know myself.
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Date: 2021-03-13 05:08 am (UTC)[Damn these devices for both being convenient and not so.]
Where are you right now?
[He hears it: Xichen needs him.]
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Date: 2021-03-17 07:36 pm (UTC)The other part of him does not want to be alone with only his own mind. ]
I am in my apartment.
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Date: 2021-03-17 07:54 pm (UTC)I'll be there shortly.
[Less than ten minutes later, there's a ring of the doorbell. Lan Xicheng should not be alone in a time like this. Not when Jin Guangyao is wandering around. He already has Hanguang Jun to defend him, but he also has Jiang Cheng. He's faced against the former Jin Sect leader once. He'll do it again. Gladly, again and again, until he stays as far away from Lan Xichen as possible.]
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Date: 2021-03-17 11:15 pm (UTC)Wanyin.
[ He steps aside to allow him entrance, closing the door behind him. There's a fresh pot of tea on the kitchen counter - he'd needed something to do to occupy himself - and he gestures to it. ]
Would you like some?
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Date: 2021-03-17 11:33 pm (UTC)[He moves in and looks at Lan Xichen, then at the pot of tea that he's made. Jiang Cheng moves forward and immediately puts his arms around him and holds him tightly. He could give Lan Xichen this. Just the comfort and anchor of someone holding him]
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Date: 2021-03-18 12:06 am (UTC)So it is kindness, it seems.
For a very long few moments, he just lets himself be hugged, and hugs back. Then he speaks, his voice very quiet. ]
You may not want to hug me, when I tell you that I want to believe him.
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Date: 2021-03-18 12:20 am (UTC)[And that...that is something that stabs cold in his heart. He holds him tightly. He knows he shouldn't be surprised. Lan Xichen is a man who believes in the best of people, believes in the good. Believes that people should have chances to redeem themselves. He knows that Lan Xichen and how it is in the man he's holding now, even after the night at Guanyin Temple. It's easy enough to lean on anger, to snap and snarl and demand how could he after all the pain the man had caused Hanguang Jun, Wei Wuxian, himself?]
Talk to me, then.
[He tightens his hold even more, pulling back a little to look at him in the eyes]
Tell me why you want to believe him.
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Date: 2021-03-18 04:18 am (UTC)Lan Xichen would deserve it.
He has been expecting it, since Wangji first understood that he was still trying to save Meng Yao at the hotel, since he first told it to Mingjue and Huaisang. And - he got it, a little, from both of them, but Meng Yao had disappeared before long, and it had ceased to be an issue.
When he doesn't get it, he isn't sure what to do. ]
Wonderland was similar to here, in that it can bring people from different timelines, alternate worlds. While I was there - so was Meng Yao, from a time before he became Jin Guangyao. And so was Nie Mingjue, from the same world as the other Wuxian and Wangji. I told them both what could become of their futures if they did not change it.
[ His voice is calm as he speaks, though it isn't because he feels calm. He had wanted so badly to change the fate of both of his sworn brothers in these other worlds, even if he could not in his own, tried so hard - and in the end, he is not sure he'd done any more there than he had in his own world. ]
How can you punish someone for something they have not done yet? He was Meng Yao, taken from the moment he left my side after helping me hide from the Wen for months, setting off to risk his life to help a world that would rather spit on him than drink a cup of tea from him simply because he had touched it. Because he could not stop wanting to belong in it - and yes, wanting to be at the top of it. Is that not what so many want, to be the best? To be recognized, to be appreciated?
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Date: 2021-03-18 05:01 am (UTC)That was that Meng Yao.
[He tries very hard to keep his voice even. Lan Xichen needs the firm hand in this. He searches his eyes]
This Jin Guangyao could be from our time.
[He reaches to cup his cheeks, taking a deep breath to quell his own anger at Jin Guangyao.]
...Huan-ge.
[Another deep, steadying breath. That night. He heard Lan Xichen demand what Jin Guangyao had done when Nie Mingjue's coffen had been opened. His voice is surprisingly soft.]
...the people we hold dear to our hearts will always be seen by how we wish to see them. It doesn't always match what they truly are. Don't we owe it to the love we have for them to see through that and see who they are?
[The dark part of his heart flares up and Jiang Cheng pushes it down]
You're from the same time as I am. You know what he'd done.
[Does he need to list Jin Guangyao's crimes? How he'd caused suffering for Wei Wuxian, Hanguang Jun; stolen Jin Ling's parents, the remnants of Jiang Cheng's own family?]
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Date: 2021-03-18 05:36 am (UTC)A-Cheng...
[ He doesn't flinch when Wanyin says Don't we owe it to the love we have for them to see through that and see who they are, but the way his jaw tightens and his eyes shut briefly is as good as one for him. Yes, that is the problem, isn't it? Oh, he'd been so sure of himself, so sure that he could see the real A-Yao - and he could see nothing.
He had never been any better than any of the rest of them. ]
I know what he admitted to, and what he did not deny. I know what he is capable of. I know - [ He swallows, looking away for a moment before he forces himself to look back. ] I know how it feels to be unable to escape the role that has been set on you since birth, but I do not know how it feels to be born without privilege. There are many in our world that tell us that there is little that matters more than who our parents are, and he listened to them. He was told what he would need, to have safety and security in our world, and he was not -
[ Lan Xichen falters here, briefly. This is the part that he has gone over most in his mind, that he considers one of the ways in which he failed the most. Meng Yao had not trusted that Lan Xichen would support him - and why should he? Why should any of them have ever trusted that Lan Xichen would have acted after the war was over, with Cloud Recesses still in ruins and his Sect needing his focus, why would they ever believe he would take a risk for them?
He should have stood in front of Jin Guangyao and told Jin Guangshan that it was unacceptable to treat one's son in such a manner, he should have let his uncle handle more and played for Mingue every day if he had to, he should have planted himself at Wanyin's side and demonstrated that he was enough, that he had nothing to prove to the world, he should have he should have he should have.
But he had pretty words, and they always seemed to work so well. He had foolishly believed they would have any lasting effect. It seems it was easy for others to agree with them, and then do whatever they wanted when he was gone. ]
There was only ever one way to him, and even when he realized that route would not get him what he wanted, he was blind to everything else that might. Those who disdained him when he was Meng Yao and his efforts might have been honest loved him when he was Jin Guangyao and his actions were not. Those who praised Wei Wuxian's talents in the war decried them when they were no longer useful.
[ His voice goes quiet, almost distant. ] There are times when I have wondered if it could not be said that our world shapes people into doing what they must to survive, and then punishes them for it.
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Date: 2021-03-18 05:59 am (UTC)...Even if our world shapes us, we still are mindful enough to make our own choices.
[he touches foreheads with Lan Xichen, looking into his eyes as if to show the other man that he speaks the truth]
He made every choice himself. He could have done anything - he had a mother; someone who protected him and made sure he was loved and gave him opportunities in life to make something of himself. He could have not let Xue Yang go in Qinghe - keeping Chifeng Zun’s trust. All actions he could have done before the world chose to not share its tea with him.
[but he knows. He’d seen that pain that day at the temple. He’d seen the world within Lan Xichen crumble before his very eyes. Did he not wish to have Wei Wuxian back himself? He had always wanted him to pay for his actions, his crimes.]
...you had always been so helpful in my early days as sect leader. I had always had your support but I always made my own choices. You trusted me to make those choices. You could have chosen not to help me. But you did. You made that conscious choice.
[he takes a deep breath]
Our world gives us the clay for our lives but we are the artisans that shape it into what we want it to be.
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Date: 2021-03-18 06:28 am (UTC)Jin Guangyao, and what it means that he is here. Still, he cannot help but end with, ]
When the world tells you something often enough, you believe it. When your parents tell you something often enough, you believe that, too.
[ He shakes his head after that, though he doesn't move away from Wanyin's to do so. ]
My opinion does not matter. My forgiveness - or lack there of - does not matter, because I am not the one who he has harmed. I do not wish to defend him or excuse him to those he has. But can you not understand - I have spent over two decades listening to those who spoke ill of him long before he had done anything to warrant it. I warred with myself constantly of when to defend him, when to stay silent, if it would embarrass or undermine him to speak, if it would make him feel alone if I did not. I still feel it now.
[ His hand rests tentatively over Wanyin's heart, feeling it beat. ]
The world has always been cruel. I have chosen to be kind anyway. I am well aware what that makes me.
[ Soft. Foolish. Naive. Easily manipulated. He'd stood by the choice for most of his life, but now... he is no longer sure. ]
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Date: 2021-03-18 06:42 am (UTC)It makes you the most kind and beautiful soul I’ve seen since my sister.
[hurt fills him. Jiang Cheng pulls away and lets go of his face, holding the man’s hand over his heart]
Your opinion, your forgiveness matters, Huan-ge. Because—
[he sucks in a breath, pausing before continuing almost too quietly to admit in this space between them. ]
...because Jin Guangyao stole my family. As much as I care about you, I can’t allow myself to be second choice to the man that stole the remnants of my family.
[his heart clenches tight and he steps away to pace, running a had through his hair. Anger. Anger is easy to fall on; familiar]
Listen to me. Talking about me when we need to talk about you. About—about him. About you and him.
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Date: 2021-03-18 07:10 am (UTC)[ Who knew Sandu Shengshou could be so romantic? Well. Lan Xichen had an idea, but still. And then he keeps going, and - oh. Oh, they had been talking at more cross purposes than he realized.
Oddly enough, things come easier, now that he understands Wanyin's fear. ]
Then I will talk about me and him. I believe there is a chance that he's telling the truth. I would like to support him in navigating this place until he remembers or it can be determined that he is lying. I do not believe I can be impartial when it comes to determining what a just punishment for his crimes would be despite the fact that I have already executed him once for them. I do not believe my judgment can be trusted when it comes to him, despite that I now have some experience having much more blunt conversations with Meng Yao and would hope to do so here. I will follow the lead of Wuxian and your sister, as those who have been most hurt by him.
[ He takes a step closer, watching Wanyin carefully. ]
Now let me talk about you, and me, and choice. I chose to call you. I chose to invite you in. I chose to talk about this with you more than I have with anyone else, because - [ His voice goes quiet. ] - because you let me, and I believed you might listen. You are second choice to no one.
[ He swallows, pulling in a breath and letting it out. ]
I have killed him once, Jiang Wanyin, and I will do so again before I ever let him hurt you or our families.
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Date: 2021-03-18 07:23 am (UTC)[He stops to look at him for a long moment. At how Lan Xichen still wishes to give Jin Guangyao another chance. That he truly is telling the truth. Jiang Cheng pulls him into another tight hug.]
I won’t regret my actions if he takes advantage of you and hurts you or any of my family again.
[No, Jin Guangyao’s blood would not be on Lan Xichen’s hands. If he starts his machinations once more, Jiang Cheng will be willing to dispatch the man without a second thought. Though he’s got the funny feeling he wouldn’t be the only one. ]
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Date: 2021-03-21 12:27 am (UTC)It's different now. It's different with Wanyin.
One hand curls around the back of his neck, holding him close, and he rests the other at the small of his back. ]
If he does not remember, things can be different here. If he does - he would be very foolish to attempt anything like that, when he knows so many are watching him.
[ His hand slides up from his neck to rest along the line of his jaw, fingers curled under his chin so he can lift it up.]
I trust you. If it comes to that, I will defer to you and your family.
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Date: 2021-03-21 02:35 am (UTC)You can defer to Hanguang Jun as well.
[This place certainly changes a person if he's willing to defer to Hangaung Jun for something alongside himself.]
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Date: 2021-04-12 12:14 am (UTC)I suspect he would be affronted that you thought such a thing needed to be spoken, but I appreciate the sentiment.
[ Lan Xichen had asked Wangji to keep an eye on him at the hotel, and he has no doubt that he will continue to do so here. They have always supported each other. ]
Have you spoken much with him since being here?
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Date: 2021-04-12 01:01 am (UTC)We’ve...spoken.
[Ah, well they’ve exchanged words. And have been mostly civil with each other. That counts, right?]
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Date: 2021-04-12 01:35 am (UTC)I told him about our understanding, prior to it evolving into what it is now. He was not opposed.
[ Surprised, perhaps, because he and Wanyin had never been close the way he was with Mingjue or Jin Guangyao, but that does not mean there had never been respect or admiration between them. Or, once, when they were both so much younger and Wanyin had come to stay at Cloud Recesses - the beginnings of a fondness that Lan Xichen had never allowed to take root. ]
Wangji is stubborn and protective, but he has a big heart. Like someone else I know. [ He kisses him again, soft and sweet. ] Perhaps one day he will understand, as I do, that you still love Wei Wuxian.
[ Granted, it's speculation on his part, based on what he knows of Wanyin and what he knows of Wuxian - and what he knows of how it feels to be betrayed by a sworn brother and still love them - but he doesn't think he's wrong. ]
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Date: 2021-04-15 04:50 am (UTC)Wei Wuxian and I are speaking.
[They've spoken and there's a healing understanding between them that remains unspoken.]